Why I Do the Things I Do

If you asked me right now where I am in life, I would say I was in a happy place. I love my job as a chess instructor. Last week I started another part-time job teaching an ACT prep course, and had a great time. My living situation is beginning to gel. Overall, life is good. However, despite the good times, I feel like my life has lost some direction, if only because my initial purpose for staying in LA has taken a backseat. Of course, I am referring to my film project.

I remember just six months ago that the film was all I could talk about, and thankfully the effort paid off, because now my friends have been grilling me about the project's status. I receive an email every week or so from them, wondering where I am with this project, and I say I'm just putting the project on hold as soon as the other parts of my life get settled. But now that these other aspects are beginning to settle, I think about going back to my project, but these ugly emotions creep back into my psyche. I feel like I'm returning to this dark corner of my life, and I'm not ready to go back.

Realization comes with perspective, and it wasn't until I took myself away from my film that I saw the blanket of sadness and isolation with which I bundled myself. Why I would submit myself to such abuse seems ludicrous, until you consider my creative space. I wanted to convey this constant theme of coping with isolation; it was an important topic for many of my friends who had just graduated, and I was right there with them. You can only write what you know, and if I wanted to write a great story, I had to feel the story first.

However, in my efforts to "feel" a great story, the process had bled into the actual filmmaking process. I WAS alone, in all aspects. I had no writing partners. I was saving money on my own. I bought all the equipment. While I had received great advice from other filmmakers and actors, with a few of them becoming friends, the project was still mine ALONE. I was reinforcing the very demon that I myself was trying to escape.

So why was I making this stupid film in the first place? Was it to make a great film? Was it to contribute to the Pilipino community? Was it to etch my name into something permanent? I had to go back where it all started: 1996, my first high school play, a stage adaptation of George Orwell's "1984". It was then when I first fell in love with storytelling, and maybe I’d find clues to my motivations today.

I remember that year was also one of transition. It was the year my grandfather died, and I was still coping with his loss. I elected to change schools, hoping to start anew and learn more about Catholicism and my faith. I also needed a place to channel the emotions I couldn't express in public. After that first audition, I felt like I found my place.

But as with any affair, when the infatuation ends, love must take its place if the relationship is to survive. The respite from the burden of unexpressed emotion may have got me into acting, but it was a special group of friends that kept me there. While I had a deep respect for their passion for the performance, our friendship grew beyond the stage. We found that we spoke the same language of video games, cartoons, and cards. We laughed together, and they helped me loosen up when I needed it. Most importantly, we were all in the same boat together, weathering the turbulent waters of adolescence, navigating the currents of personal expectations, first relationships, and the quirks of the high school micro-society. I wasn't alone, and it made all the difference.

So what does this say about myself and my film project? Am I really the right man for this film? Have I just been going about this whole project all wrong? Am I really just looking for a group where I belong? I don't know what donating this long-winded essay to the mercies of cyberspace will accomplish, except for the slight possibility that I might realize that my feelings are not mine to bear alone.

Looking For a Producer

So at the postponement of my first screenplay, I wrote a 2nd, and while I plan to go into more detail of the thinking process of this script, all I can say is that it is pending copyright, and if you want to learn more, you can email me. Especially if you want to work on the project!!!

So the time has come to actually put my new script on to digital film, and I need a producer to help me with the logistics. I will not be creating the full film, but rather a short version of only 10-15 minutes. My target start date for shooting is mid-February with production wrapping up mid-March. Of course, I will need you in January to help with planning.

So if you are interested, please comment ASAP, or email me @ rundmb@gmail.com, of course leaving your email & phone #, so we can meet. How exciting!!!

The First Try

My first attempt at screenwriting began with an idea for SPCN. Well, it wasn't so much a script idea, but a process. Well... oh, I'll explain.

One of Samahang's biggest endeavors is a high school outreach project called SPACE. SPACE goes to three high schools, Belmont, Marshall, and Eagle Rock, which are all embedded in Filipino communities around LA. I had attended the high school sites several times and was always impressed at how engaging the high school students were. They were sharp, smart, witty, passionate; these students were amazing! If you ever speak any SPACE staff about their students, doesn't matter who, they will absolutely gush! In particular, if you spoke to any of the peer advisors who do one-on-ones, they particularly are humbled by the stories the students have to tell them.

I was always fascinated by the richness of the stories within these communities, and I felt that a wider audience would share in my appreciation for them. But something told me that a typical Culture Night interpretation would be subject to a lot of the cliches I wanted to avoid. So the light bulb went on: have the high school students write the script for SPCN.

Well, most ideas usually SOUND good. But logistical problems, and distractions, and class, and all the other excuses I could make, well yeah, it never happened. But I was still fascinated by telling a story set in P-Town, and as I thought about a compelling story about youth, I thought about one of my favorite movies, West Side Story. Yeah, the rival gang/unrequited love thing is also pretty cliche, but it does provide a strong, compelling conflict that can drive a movie.

So I thought about writing West Side Story set in P-Town, but it needed to be tweaked. So I thought, "well, how about West Side Story, but unlike the gangs having conflicting cultural backgrounds, what if Tony and Riff were the ones who came from different backgrounds? And what if the biggest threats to the protagonist weren't the rival gangs, but the rivals within his OWN gang? So that foundation, combined with a lot of reading and dissecting a UCLA research paper on Satanas by Nonoy Alsaybar, came my first screenplay, the Kidz of Echo Park.

After I finished the first draft, I sent the script to whomever I could to read. Friends, actors, community leaders. I even did a table read in P-Town to hear the flow of it. Overall I got good reviews. I felt confident I wrote a strong script. It seemed like I was ready to move forward.

BUT, there were several issues that didn't settle with me. First of all, I had no script advisors who had actual experience IN a gang. I called on community folk for help, but just couldn't get anything. From the people who were close to me, they guessed that my problem was that I had not established the relationship or the trust, a trust that could take years to build, before I could get an honest perspective on my movie. Secondly, after the table read, I felt like although I could move forward and find amateur actors, the search for the right people would be incredibly difficult. I wanted to take the route and find professional union actors. But using union actors costs money. A LOT of money. Money that I didn't have. And thirdly, I had no film experience. No cred that I could actually pull this out.

So unless I wanted to take ten years out of my life to do the necessary fundraising and relationship building I needed (No.) or I were to sell to a major studio so I could get the money, but they could change and rearrange my story however they saw fit (Hell no!!!), this project was not going meet my vision. I loved the script, I wanted to do this movie badly, but for now, it had to be shelved. I had to go into a new direction. I had to start over.

The Story(ies) So Far

So my journey into film begins during my undergraduate years at UCLA. During my time there, I was heavily involved with the Pilipino community, spending my most cherished time with the student organization Samahang Pilipino. Now, if you are Pilipino and go to college on the West Coast, chances are you were involved at one time or another with your universities' Pilipino Culture Night or PCN, a variety show featuring cultural dance, music, and theatre. It's usually the biggest event of the year for each universities Pilipino community, with each university competing for bragging rights over who will have the "best" PCN that year.

Now I had the fortune (or misfortune, depending on how you interpret this next paragraph) of being exposed to PCN while my sister went to Cal, so the experience wasn't exactly life-altering or revolutionary for me. I also came in with a relatively deep resume of theatrical and musical experience from high school, so I knew what good performance and good theatre is supposed to sound and feel like. So while the majority of Pilipinos gushed over PCN and how great the show was, I, being the perfectionist, critic, and overall egotistic windbag I am, was a detractor. Although PCNs typically have a high production quality, it was the story quality where my qualms lay.

DISCLAIMER: Now if you have never gone to a PCN and would still like to be surprised, then don't read further. However, if you have seen a PCN and/or don't care for surprises, the PCN formula guarantees that the story will be one of the following:

1. The Generation Gap. Joe Pinoy is in college, and while studying engineering/pre-med/pre-law, he realizes that he does not want to follow the path his parents have laid out. After discovering his heritage through cultural dance and song, he realizes he wants to be an Asian Am major and wants to "work for the community". His parents, complete with immigrant accent, display their ignorance with full force, attempting to instill fear (but to no avail) by asking him how he will support his family, and ultimately lose their son to the liberal American ideals of social justice. OPTIONAL: Main character can be female, providing easy access to Pinay issues.

2. The Native Historical/Cultural Folk Tale. Natives wearing brown, skimpy clothing, fight against evil warlord/pissed-off-deity/colonizer. Insert random Modern Suite dance.

3. The Heinous Crime. Innocent Pinay/Pinoy is attacked as the result of a hate/sex/war crime. Community attempts to cope, as we, the audience, have to be conscious of hate/sex/war crimes, and if we were bolder and more aware, hate/sex/war crimes would never happen.

4. The Buddy Comedy. Stick college students with every Filipino stereotype imaginable, including the strict parents, the senile lolo/lola, the perverted tito, the gossiping tita, the activist gone overboard, the immature sibling, the jock, the bitch, and of course, the love interest.

Every culture night I know has followed one of these formulas, or was some weird mix of these forumulas. Now it's not the subject matter that are necessarily bad; it's the incredibly dull and shallow characters that populate these stories. Somehow in the writing process, any sense of individuality, uniqueness, and detailed nuance is washed away in order for the audience to "understand" the story. There's no room for paradox or inconsistency. Every single detail must be articulated. You would think every PCN was performing for middle schools.

Sadly, Filipino American cinema hasn't moved to far from these formulas, neither. While I respect and admire the breakthroughs in production that films like "The Debut" and "Lumpia" have made, the stories are incredibly shallow. No story on film or on stage has yet to capture me as a Filipino American.

This is where my story begins. If I were to spit harsh indictments to the mediocrity of Filipino American storytelling, then I had better put my money where my mouth is. You can't expect anyone else to do something unless you do it yourself. If no one else was going to write THE Filipino American story, than that person was going to be ME.

Beginnings

So this is the first entry of what hope to be many in this new blog: Randy in Film. This particular blog will track my journey as I attempt to make my first feature film. The trek so far has be arduous enough: almost 18 months of nonstop research, writing, and networking, learning how the film industry works, how the indies cut their teeth, and discovering how painfully tedious and nervewracking the filmmaking process can be.

This blog has three goals:

1. To promote and publicize my film.
2. To promote a center of discussion for other filmmakers.
3. To be a resource for people crazy enough to attempt to make their own film.

I hope this blog proves to be insightful, educational, and theraputic, for both you and I. Now it's time to go where I have never gone before. Engage!